Sometime I wish people could read my mind, know what I'm capable of, and know my heart well. (Not like the movie What Women Want... but more like God.) I want people to seek me out and say things like, "hey Jamie, would you please lead in ____, since I know you'd be great at that." Or, "Jamie, we need to you do ____, because we know that's exactly what God created you to do." Or, "Jamie, this seems like it's not a very good fit for you since it doesn't make you 'light up like a Christmas tree' (as we say here in my department at work), so how about I take over on that and you do this over here that does light you up." Wouldn't that be great? It's not just for me either, since I would want that for all of everyone. I feel like we would all serve as a body of Christ in bigger and better ways and feel more fulfilled in doing it, rather than drained. Who's in?
Instead, I feel like I have to fight to be known, and I have a hard time with it. I don't want to talk someone into letting me serve in a certain capacity or do a certain job. I feel like that's selfish. But a conversation this morning with my mentor has started me along the path of understanding how selfish it may be to not use what God has given me. I had just never thought about that before. God normally isn't in the business of telling everyone else what He's told me or given me His heart for.
People all over the world in tons of roles have had to fight to live out what God has called them to. It's not like people sit around at home all day just waiting for someone to call and invite them to pastor their thriving church. There's work involved in getting to be a pastor. There's sacrifice and boldness and confidence and trust that you're the right person for the job. And since we aren't mind readers, that person needs to make others aware of their desire to be a pastor before other steps can be taken.
Apparently I haven't had to fight for much in my life. Even in job interviews, I pray like crazy that the interviewer would know for sure if I'm the right person, so I don't have to talk them into it. (Now that I think about it, I'm surprise how far that's gotten me thus far in life... God is good to me!) It's not like I always get what I want, but rather that I give up pretty quickly and move on to something else instead. I know that there's still a place for the prayer side of things, but I've been avoiding the perseverance and boldness factors.
There's definitely some fear involved. Part of me thinks that if I persist in getting something, then I'll mess it up or fail or make a fool of myself and ruin all prospects of getting anything from that person in the future. Or if I try hard to get someone to like me, then what will I do when I stop liking them?
To bring this whole idea home a little more, I feel like I need to step up and take on a bigger role in some areas of the middle school ministry at my church. For 3 1/2 years of serving there I've longed for people to observe me and just know what role would be the best fit for me. It ain't happening. And the other leaders aren't to blame. I need to stop being hindered by my insecurity and just go for something new. I need to share what God is showing me about myself and what I feel He wants for me, and then try out what comes my way. I surely won't be perfect at any of it, but I can give it a go and learn from the experience. I gotta quit expecting people to read my mind.
What's God calling you to?
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