Counting on God

The last week has been filled with some big ups and big downs.  I'm normally much more even keel than this, but every once in a while it gets more dramatic.  And now I'm finally getting around to sharing it with you all, even though I hesitate since I'm not begging for pity. More than that I expect some of you can relate, and sometimes I have a harder time expressing my feelings in person no matter how I'm doing. 

I've been so very thankful and fulfilled, and then there have been some moments when I give into heartache. In the midst of this time, there have been moments of great joy and hope, but overall the last few days have just been hard.  Most of me wants to avoid feeling pain, but deep down I have to admit that I know its importance, at least in theory. 

Just this morning I was reading the following verses to 3 different groups of middle school students (they rotated through stations this morning, and my station was about being comforted and shepherded by the Holy Spirit... nice). I literally read it out loud to each group, and it took me til that 3rd time to let it sink in at all.

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  (Romans 5:3-5)

Sometimes I feel so alone in my heartache.  I feel as if I'm the only person who has gone through it, even though I can't actually think of anyone who hasn't experienced some form of heartache in their lives.  It's a part of being in relationship with people.  And I haven't gone through anything like some people have.  In fact, my tears were flowing most freely out of the last few days not in analyzing my own life, but rather as I watched a woman and her two boys dancing and singing for joy, when I expected them to be keeled over in despair.  In the midst of their heartache they were choosing to trust God.

Near the end of the benefit concert on Friday night for Haiti and the Hames Family, there was a moment I hope I don't quickly forget. (David Hames was a wonderful husband, daddy, friend of many, and beloved member of our church, and he was killed in the Haiti earthquake.)  There was an unexpected request at the last minute for the band to play a repeat of "Counting on God."  As it started, I couldn't help but turn my attention to all the kids, including David's sweet boys, in the front jumping up and down, dancing like crazy, doing the actions they were taught in Sunday School, and shouting at the top of their lungs.  Just behind them were a group of moms, including Renee Hames, doing the same motions and shouting even louder.  It was beautiful to say the least.  After a bit of that, the kids were invited up onto the stage for everyone to experience.  The room was filled with grieving people, but in that moment, we were choosing to count on God.  I had no idea how to turn off my tears before the concert was over and others saw my red eyes.

Moments like those remind me that I'm not alone, even though heartache stems from loneliness, and that I can count on God through it all.  I know that God knows me deeper than anyone ever could.  I know that God provides better than anyone ever could.  I know that God loves me more and better than anyone ever could.  Those are the normal Christian answers, and I truly believe them.  The hard part is when I long for someone to live life with.  Someone to dream with.  Someone to laugh with and cry with.  Someone to go on walks with.  Someone to pray with.  Someone to serve with.  And much more!  I know they won't come close to what God offers, but I'd like to meet the runner up if God has that for me.  :) 

I cannot even imagine comparing my trials to what the the people of Haiti or the Hames family and friends are going through.  That's not what I intend by relating the two things in one post.  It was more of a reminder for myself that I have it good.  I am so incredibly blessed and still so thankful for what I have.  I'm still surrounded by some great people.  I still really enjoy how I've chosen to spend my time.  And I still have a relationship with God that has changed my life for the better.  And in everything I go through, I want to count on Him.